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Or anonymous-possibly combined with tangerines and southwest airline airfare chocolate coins, depending on whether Jude decided Christmas Stocking conceit over-cute to southwest airline airfare point of southwest airline airfare nausea or terrifyingly smart in its Post-Modernity. 7 p.m. Emergency: Jude on phone in tears. Is coming round. Vile Richard has gone back to southwest airline airfare Vile July. Jude blames gift. Thank God stayed home. Am clearly Emissary of southwest airline airfare Baby Jesus here to southwest airline airfare help those persecuted at southwest airline airfare Christmas by Herod-Wannabees, e.g. Vile Richard. Jude will be southwest airline airfare here at southwest airline airfare 7:30. 7:15 p.m. Damn. Missed start of southwest airline airfare Blind Date as Tom rang and southwest airline airfare is southwest airline airfare coming round. Jerome, having taken him back, has chucked him again and southwest airline airfare gone back with former boyfriend who is southwest airline airfare member of southwest airline airfare chorus in Cats. 7:17 p.m. Simon is southwest airline airfare coming round. His girlfriend has gone back to southwest airline airfare her husband. Thank God stayed at southwest airline airfare home to southwest airline airfare receive chucked friends in manner of southwest airline airfare Queen of southwest airline airfare Hearts or Soup Kitchen. But that's just the kind of southwest airline airfare person I am: liking to southwest airline airfare love others. 8 p.m. Hurrah! A magic-of-Christmas miracle. Daniel just called 'Jonesh' he slurred. 'I love you, Jonesh. I made tebble mishtake. Stupid Suki made of southwest airline airfare plastic. Breast point north at southwest airline airfare all times. I love you, Jonesh. I comin' round to southwest airline airfare check how your skirts is.' Daniel. Gorgeous, messy, sexy, exciting, hilarious Daniel. Midnight. Humph. None of southwest airline airfare them turned up. Vile Richard changed his mind and southwest airline airfare came back to southwest airline airfare Jude, as did Jerome, and southwest airline airfare Simon's girlfriend. It was just over-emotional Spirit-of-Christmas Past making everyone wobbly about ex-partners. And Daniel! He rang up at southwest airline airfare 10 o'clock. 'Listen, Bridge. You know I always watch the match on Saturday nights? Shall I come round tomorrow before the football?' Exciting? Wild? Hilarious? Huh. 1 a.m. Totally alone. Entire year has been failure. 5 a.m. Oh, never bloody mind. Maybe Christmas itself will not be southwest airline airfare awful. Maybe Mum and southwest airline airfare Dad will emerge radiantly shag-drunk in the morning, holding hands shyly and southwest airline airfare saying, 'Children, we've got something to southwest airline airfare tell you,' and southwest airline airfare I could be southwest airline airfare a bridesmaid at southwest airline airfare the reaffirming of southwest airline airfare vows ceremony. Sunday 24 December 9st 4., alcohol units I measly glass of southwest airline airfare sherry, cigarettes 2 but no fun as out of southwest airline airfare window, calories 1 million, probably, number of southwest airline airfare warm festive thoughts 0. Midnight. V. confused about what is southwest airline airfare and southwest airline airfare is southwest airline airfare not reality. There is southwest airline airfare a pillowcase at southwest airline airfare the bottom of southwest airline airfare my bed which Mum put there at southwest airline airfare bedtime, cooing, 'Let's see if Santa comes,' which is southwest airline airfare now full of southwest airline airfare presents. Mum and southwest airline airfare Dad, who are separated and southwest airline airfare planning to southwest airline airfare divorce, are sleeping in the same bed. In sharp contrast, my brother and southwest airline airfare his girlfriend, who have been living together for southwest airline airfare four years, are sleeping in separate rooms. The southwest airline airfare reason for southwest airline airfare all this is southwest airline airfare unclear, except that it may be southwest airline airfare to southwest airline airfare avoid upsetting Granny who is southwest airline airfare a) insane and southwest airline airfare b) not here yet. The southwest airline airfare only thing that connects me to southwest airline airfare the real world is southwest airline airfare that once again I am humiliatingly spending Christmas Eve alone in my parents' house in a single bed. Maybe Dad is southwest airline airfare at southwest airline airfare this moment attempting to southwest airline airfare mount Mum. Ugh, ugh. No, no. Why did brain think such thought? Monday 25 December 9st 5. (oh God, have turned into Santa Claus, Christmas pudding or similar), alcohol units 2 (total triumph).cigarettes 3 (ditto), calories 2657 (almost entirely gravy), totally insane Christmas gifts 12, number of southwest airline airfare Christmas gifts with any point to southwest airline airfare them whatsoever 0, philosophical reflections on the meaning of southwest airline airfare the Virgin Birth 0, number of years since self was Virgin, hmmm. Staggered downstairs hoping hair did not smell of fags to find Mum and Una exchanging political views while putting crosses in the end of sprouts. 'Oh yes, I think what's-his-name is very good.' 'Well, he is, I mean, he got through his what-do-you-mer-call-it clause that nobody thought he would, didn't he?' 'Ah, but then, you see, you've got to watch it because we could easily end up with a nutcase like what-do-you-mer-call-him that used to be a communist. Do you know? 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After rooftop encounter I didn't say a single word to southwest airline airfare Daniel: just put my nose in the air, slithered past him, marched down to southwest airline airfare the Street into car and southwest airline airfare drove away. Went immediately to southwest airline airfare Tom's, who poured vodka straight down my throat from the bottle, adding the tomato juice and southwest airline airfare Worcester sauce afterwards. Daniel had left three messages when I got back, asking me to southwest airline airfare call him. Did not, following advice of southwest airline airfare Tom, who reminded me that the only way to southwest airline airfare succeed with men is southwest airline airfare to southwest airline airfare be southwest airline airfare really' horrible to southwest airline airfare them. Used to southwest airline airfare think he was cynical and southwest airline airfare wrong but I think I was nice to southwest airline airfare Daniel and southwest airline airfare look what happened. Oh God, birds have started singing. Have to southwest airline airfare go to work in three and a half hours. Can't do it. Help, help. Have suddenly had brainwave: ring Mum. 10 a.m. Mum was brilliant. 'Darling,' she said. 'Of course.

I usually aim for southwest airline airfare a thousand and southwest airline airfare come in at southwest airline airfare about fifteen hundred,' I said, realizing as I said it that the last bit wasn't strictly true. 'A thousand?' said Tom, incredulously. 'But I thought you needed two thousand just to southwest airline airfare survive.' I looked at southwest airline airfare him nonplussed. I realized that southwest airline airfare have spent so many years being on a diet that the idea that you might actually need calories to southwest airline airfare survive has been completely wiped out of southwest airline airfare my conscious- ness. Have reached point where believe nutritional ideal is southwest airline airfare to southwest airline airfare eat nothing at southwest airline airfare all and southwest airline airfare that the only reason people eat is southwest airline airfare because they are so greedy they cannot stop themselves from breaking out and southwest airline airfare ruining their diets. 'How many calories in a boiled egg?' said Tom. 'Seventy-five.' 'Banana?' 'Large or small?' 'Small.' 'Peeled?' 'Yes.' 'Eighty,' I said, confidently. 'Olive?' 'Black or green?' 'Black.' 'Nine.' 'Chocolate biscuit?' 'A hundred and southwest airline airfare twenty-one.' 'Box of southwest airline airfare Milk Tray?' 'Ten thousand eight hundred and southwest airline airfare ninety-six.' 'How do you know all this?' I thought.And breakfast and snack were all alkaline-forming with exception of hot-cross bun and Mars: minor aberration) Dinner: four glasses of wine, fish and chips (Scarsdale Diet and also Hay Diet - protein forming); portion tiramisu; peppermint Aero (pissed) I realize it has become too easy to find a diet to fit in with whatever you happen to feel like eating and that diets are not there to be pick and mixed but picked and stuck to, which is exactly what I shall begin to do once I've eaten this chocolate croissant. Tuesday 14 March Disaster. Complete disaster. Flushed with the success of Tom's ice-queen theory I began to rather brim over, as it were, into Jude's, and starting messaging Daniel again, to reassure him that I trust him and am not going to become needy or fly off the handle without just cause. 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It's typical of southwest airline airfare men to southwest airline airfare annex a global trend southwest airline airfare southwest airline airfare turn it into a male device to southwest airline airfare reject women to southwest airline airfare make themselves feel clever and southwest airline airfare us feel stupid. It's nothing but fiickwittage.' 'Bastards!' I shouted happily. 'Shall we have another bottle of southwest airline airfare wine?' 9 a.m. Blimey.

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